Why People Say Hurtful Things in Relationships
In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson explains that people often say hurtful things to their partners as a way to express deep emotional pain, fear, or insecurity. When individuals feel threatened or disconnected in their relationships, they may lash out as a defense mechanism. This behavior typically stems from feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, or unresolved trauma.
Rather than intending to harm their partner, these hurtful words often reflect their own distress. Overwhelmed by emotions, they react in a way that seems to protect themselves or regain control in the moment.
The Drive to Regain Control
When people feel emotionally vulnerable or disconnected, they often experience a sense of losing control in the relationship. This perceived loss can trigger intense emotional responses, leading them to say hurtful things as an attempt to reassert dominance. By provoking a reaction, they may hope to restore balance or force their partner to address unmet emotional needs. Although this behavior may give a temporary sense of power, it usually deepens the emotional divide.
Fear, Insecurity, and Emotional Disconnect
Several factors can fuel this type of response:
Fear of Abandonment: The person may fear losing their partner and say hurtful things to preemptively push them away.
Insecurity: Deep-rooted insecurities can cause someone to lash out, trying to shield themselves from feelings of inadequacy or vulnerability.
Emotional Disconnection: When people feel emotionally disconnected from their partner, they may use hurtful language to provoke a reaction and reestablish engagement, even if it’s through conflict.
The Illusion of Control
Though lashing out may feel like a way to regain control, it’s often an illusion. Hurtful words might provide a fleeting sense of power, but they ultimately harm the relationship by increasing emotional disconnection. Dr. Johnson emphasizes that these behaviors are typically a reflection of unmet attachment needs—the need for emotional security and connection.
Moving Toward Healing
Recognizing that hurtful words stem from underlying fears allows couples to move away from blame and focus on the emotional pain driving the behavior. By addressing these fears, partners can have more open and vulnerable conversations that strengthen their emotional bond and improve their ability to communicate in a constructive way.
Instead of perpetuating the cycle of conflict, understanding these dynamics helps couples foster a secure and supportive relationship.
How to Respond to Hurtful Words (When It’s Not Abusive)
Stay Calm: Don’t escalate the situation by responding in anger. Take a breath and try to remain calm.
Acknowledge the Emotions: Recognize that the hurtful words are often an expression of deeper emotional pain. Say something like, “I can see you’re upset. Let’s talk about what’s really bothering you.”
Validate Their Feelings: Empathize with their emotions, even if you don’t agree with the way they’re expressing them. “I understand you’re feeling hurt right now.”
Set Boundaries: Gently but firmly set boundaries around the conversation. Let your partner know that while you’re open to discussing their feelings, hurtful words are not productive or acceptable.
Encourage Open Communication: Try to create a safe space for them to talk about their underlying fears, insecurities, or needs. “Let’s figure out what’s going on so we can get through this together.”
When It Crosses the Line into Abuse
If the hurtful words become abusive—demeaning, controlling, or threatening—then the situation shifts from conflict to abuse. In these cases, it’s important to:
Set Firm Boundaries: Clearly state that abusive language is unacceptable.
Walk Away if Necessary: Remove yourself from the situation to protect your emotional well-being.
Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a professional for help navigating the situation.
Consider Your Safety: If the verbal abuse is part of a larger pattern, it may be necessary to reconsider the relationship and prioritize your safety.
These approaches help maintain emotional safety and prevent conflict from escalating into harmful patterns.